2011 Reflections and Thoughts for 2012

First I have to say that I don't believe in "resolutions".  I think that this is a sure way to set yourself up to fail.  Sure, I want to make changes in my health in 2012.  I want to eat better, exercise more, yadda yadda...don't we all?  That is so vague and I think it is better to hope for peace in our families and that we all have a more prosperous new year than to set a goal that I am going to feel guilty if I am unable to obtain.

With that said I would like to reflect on the past year and the events that have effected me and the people that I love and care for.  First, my Daddy married his equal, his partner, his true love.  THAT makes me so happy to see him and his new wife happy.  It doesn't necessarily make me think that my job here is done because I still know that I am his one and only favorite daughter (his words, not mine...lol).  He is still the first man that I loved but I am happy that he has found true happiness with Peggy.

With that being said, I also had to put closure on my situation with my mom and let go of the pain and heartache that I feel/felt.  I truly now realize that we are just completely different people with completely different morals and beliefs and I have to accept that she is never going to be the storybook mother that we all dream of.  People change and sometimes not for the better and sometimes it is just best to walk away and lick our wounds to heal.  She is not what I want for my life, period, and that is OK to say and stand behind.  When I say I have had enough and I see how the negativity is effecting those around me, I have to stand behind my own decisions and that is just what I have done.  One day it might change but right now I am in the healing phase and the wounds are too fresh to open that door again anytime soon.

Also in the past year, as I have talked about many times, my disabilities have gotten worse.  My psoriatic arthritis and fibromyalgia have been diagnosed but I am in no way close to resolving the issues that burden me daily.  It continues to be a daily struggle that I deal with and as the year drew to a close, I was on my 3rd round of antibiotics due to sinus infections and a horrible cough.  I have come to deal with the issues however and know that even when I feel horrible, life goes on.  I must still try to do things that I need to do and coming to grips with that knowledge that "I can't do everything" has been hard but I don't let it tear me up as I used to.

As we move into 2012, I will continue to learn to delegate and release some of the control of items to other family members.  It does not make me weak, it makes me loved that I have people around me that care about me enough to want to help. I need to accept the help and love without feeling like a lessor individual.  I am still working on that but getting much better.

Also, I have learned that I need to make better choices on the people that I let into my life.  Unfortunately I have made some choices in the past that have not been so great.  Friendships are a give and take and I never intentionally hurt anyone.  I have learned who my true friends are and who really couldn't care less.  I guess it takes an illness to see how strong a friendship really is.  On that same note, I have met some extraordinary people this past year (yeah Dawn, you're in there :)) that have taught me some wonderful things about friendship.

On a closing note, I wish all of my readers a very happy new year and hope that all of your wishes and dreams come true in the upcoming year.  You all deserve the best and don't accept anything less!  Thank you all for reading about my antics and rants and I hope you stay around for more!  Love you all!

Until next time,
Mamalou

Late....Story of my Life!

OK...I know that I said that I would TRY to post each day,  I tried, I promise!  I just had a few obstacles that got in my way so I will blame them.   I think that is fair!  My baby Briar turned 16 on Sunday.  I can hardly believe he is 16.  It makes me feel old, old and tired...lol.  He has tried my patience over the last year so I was kind of unsure if him or I would really make it to this momentous occasion but we did! :)   He has ADHD and I have always said he got that from his Dad but I really just need to admit that I have it also.  With my past jobs in the student loan industry, it has always helped me multi-task but the older I get, the more "off-task" I tend to get.  BUT, the good thing is that it definitely leads to some of my best creative endeavors.  Some of my new ideas will be posted soon so stay tuned.  I have been working really hard to understand this new cutting program and I have to say that I LOVE it!  I have learned so much from watching Sandy's videos and the first time I cut vinyl (for my van's new logo design), it cut perfectly the first time.  I have been experimenting with the rhinestone designing and have to say I am having a ball.  Again, more to come there and images hopefully by next week. 

Health has been the main culprit of my time lately and I have to admit that I have been doing a lot of sleeping which is only good because I don't think about the pain.  But, I also don't get much accomplished while off in dream land.   The doc seems to think that there is more involved with me than just the "simple" osteo-arthritis and fibromyalgia and we may make some big med changes at my next appointment.  If you pray, say a little prayer as these meds are not kind to the body.  Luckily, I have a wonderful friend, Gina, that has the same syndrome and has been holding my hand through this all.  I am a very lucky girl to have her by my side as we both seem to make each other laugh when we both really want to cry.  Everyone needs a friend like her as she is not only funny, but she is one of the most talented people I know.  She is such a wonderful knitter and I am sure that if I ever lose my hair, she will keep me outfitted with the coolest skull caps a girl could ever want! 

Anyway, many images coming very soon I promise and I hope to get this blog thing down soon....blog rings, blog communities, blog this, blog that.  I never knew there was so much involved just to get peeps to see your work! 

Until next time....keep dreaming big! :)

Love,
Mamalou (Lisa)

Reflective Creativity

I have been doing a lot of reflection lately. I lost a dear friend a couple of weeks back and even though he was way to young to leave this material world, it makes you think and analyze yourself. What have I contributed to this world? How will my friends remember me? Have I made any type of impact on anyone that would warrant them saying "gosh I am going to miss her!"? I believe that people come into your life for a reason (good or bad) and they all leave us with something we remember them by, good or bad just the same. Take for example my friend Jim that just passed away. Him and I both lived in an apartment complex that was more like Melrose Place. He moved in following his divorce and just prior to my divorce beginning. We both had sons that were close in age and we became instant friends. Jim was 10 years older than me and like the brother that I always needed. He was such a caring, HUGE hearted individual and he was my protector, my friend, my confident, and I know that he would have done anything for both my son and I. He was such a loving dad to his son and would even joke about dreading the day that Derek would no longer kiss him goodbye.

Even with all of the good, there was also a dark side to Jim. I know that he was hurt deeply by his divorce and he hated ever saying goodbye to his son when the visitation time was over.  He would tell me when he was going to retire to the "batcave". I knew what that meant...and I knew that I would not see him for a couple of days. As anyone who was married to an alcoholic will tell you, you get a nose like a bloodhound and can smell it come from people's pores after they have been drinking.  When Jim disappeared, I knew what he was doing.  He would lock himself  in the "batcave", close the blinds for 2 days, and drink away his pain.  He never drank in front of me. I never got to ask him if this was out of respect as he knew about my ex-husband or if he just didn't want  me to think anything bad about it.  I knew it and I never thought bad of him.  Maybe sad because on those days that he hid, I missed my dear friend but he never, ever disappointed me.  And, I will ALWAYS remember those beautiful memories of playing Othello or cards until the middle of the night, or watching the doctor that used a one bedroom apartment for his "changing" room as he turned from a he into a she, taking him with me to the Pam Tillis concert that I won tickets to on the radio, driving with the top down on my convertible at night down the 60 just to smell the orange blossoms blooming, or just standing around outside of our apartments with all of our fun friends and shooting the breezing in the Arizona night.  We always had fun when we were together, but that is depression.  You enjoy the good times that you have together.  As I said, Jim passed away a couple of weeks ago and I wish in my heart that I had gotten to speak with him one last time to say how much he touched my life and how I will never forget him.  His demons may have gotten the best of him but I pray to God that he is at peace now and he is forever in the light, no more shades drawn in the batcave.

I have another friend that I went through some of the same things with. Thankfully, he is still around for me to let him know how much he means to me and that he made a difference in life and I can't thank him enough for that.  Even though our paths don't cross like they used to, we both know the pain that each other has gone through to get to today,  When you have a chronic disability, you know what depression is.

Recently I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and degenerating bones.  I live with chronic pain and I know how helpless that pain can make you feel.  You get to the point where you just want that pain to go away.  You feel like a burden on your loved ones and you let down a lot of people that don't ever deserve to be let down by just not being able to be there.  No longer am I the person that used to be able to bend over backwards to help everyone. Some days I am lucky to get clothing on or just move from the bed to the couch. I am helpless some days and I wish that I could just snap out of it.  I know what depression feels like.

That brings me to the main point of my post. While running an errand yesterday, I heard a new song for Pink! on the radio (Raise your Glass) and when I got home, I actually remembered to go to her website to see if she has a new album out. While out there, I saw her new video for a new song on her "Greatest Hits So Far" album.  It is called "F**king Perfect".  Now, some may not like the words but I think that Pink! always has a graceful way of delivering her message and is a true artist in her own right.  Go to her website and watch the video with an open mind and ignore the "F" word if it bothers you.  I think that it delivers an incredible message, not that slashing or suicide are ever the answer, but just that everyone needs to find their "voice" or an outlet for your emotions.  I think that this is what vinyl is doing for me.  Luckily with designing images, there is not a huge amount of typing and my "voice" can be expressed in my work.  Some days I will work on happy images or quotes and some days, they can be more sad or mad....but they are all me!  It is a way that I can express how I am feeling, still keep me feeling a bit productive, and hopefully touch someone else with my work.  Now that makes me happy!

Until next time!
Mamalou (Lisa)