Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Sick not Dead but Losing Faith

Sorry that I have been unavailable for the past few days.  I have been sick as a dog with a sinus infection and cough.  I am hoping that these horse pills kick in soon as this is day #3.  

Have you ever started to lose faith, I mean REALLY lose faith?  Lose faith that everything is going to turn out good, pain free, bill free, etc?  I am probably just having a little pity party for one but I never thought I would be disabled at 41 years old and have more pain filled days than pain free days.  Due to the Enbrel shots that I take, my immunity is shot and therefore I pick up everything.  Sadly, the shots are not even reducing my inflammation.  It has more than tripled in 2 months.  I am losing faith and I keep fighting to get someone, anyone to hear me or better yet,  understand what I am saying.  I love my husband with ALL of my heart, every ounce of my being, but he does not lose faith.  He is such a positive guy and I love him for that but he does not know how it feels to question God and ask "Why?".   That is probably why he is the man that I married and love so much, because he does not question and is so strong in his belief.  I normally am also until recently.  Until the pain has consumed my life and the fear has set in that this is what I have to look forward to for the rest of life.  So many meds have been tried, so many have failed or made my situation worse.  How do you stay strong and continue to have faith when you can't get an answer from a doctor on what you have to look forward to?

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