I have been doing a lot of reflection lately. I lost a dear friend a couple of weeks back and even though he was way to young to leave this material world, it makes you think and analyze yourself. What have I contributed to this world? How will my friends remember me? Have I made any type of impact on anyone that would warrant them saying "gosh I am going to miss her!"? I believe that people come into your life for a reason (good or bad) and they all leave us with something we remember them by, good or bad just the same. Take for example my friend Jim that just passed away. Him and I both lived in an apartment complex that was more like Melrose Place. He moved in following his divorce and just prior to my divorce beginning. We both had sons that were close in age and we became instant friends. Jim was 10 years older than me and like the brother that I always needed. He was such a caring, HUGE hearted individual and he was my protector, my friend, my confident, and I know that he would have done anything for both my son and I. He was such a loving dad to his son and would even joke about dreading the day that Derek would no longer kiss him goodbye.
Even with all of the good, there was also a dark side to Jim. I know that he was hurt deeply by his divorce and he hated ever saying goodbye to his son when the visitation time was over. He would tell me when he was going to retire to the "batcave". I knew what that meant...and I knew that I would not see him for a couple of days. As anyone who was married to an alcoholic will tell you, you get a nose like a bloodhound and can smell it come from people's pores after they have been drinking. When Jim disappeared, I knew what he was doing. He would lock himself in the "batcave", close the blinds for 2 days, and drink away his pain. He never drank in front of me. I never got to ask him if this was out of respect as he knew about my ex-husband or if he just didn't want me to think anything bad about it. I knew it and I never thought bad of him. Maybe sad because on those days that he hid, I missed my dear friend but he never, ever disappointed me. And, I will ALWAYS remember those beautiful memories of playing Othello or cards until the middle of the night, or watching the doctor that used a one bedroom apartment for his "changing" room as he turned from a he into a she, taking him with me to the Pam Tillis concert that I won tickets to on the radio, driving with the top down on my convertible at night down the 60 just to smell the orange blossoms blooming, or just standing around outside of our apartments with all of our fun friends and shooting the breezing in the Arizona night. We always had fun when we were together, but that is depression. You enjoy the good times that you have together. As I said, Jim passed away a couple of weeks ago and I wish in my heart that I had gotten to speak with him one last time to say how much he touched my life and how I will never forget him. His demons may have gotten the best of him but I pray to God that he is at peace now and he is forever in the light, no more shades drawn in the batcave.
I have another friend that I went through some of the same things with. Thankfully, he is still around for me to let him know how much he means to me and that he made a difference in life and I can't thank him enough for that. Even though our paths don't cross like they used to, we both know the pain that each other has gone through to get to today, When you have a chronic disability, you know what depression is.
Recently I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and degenerating bones. I live with chronic pain and I know how helpless that pain can make you feel. You get to the point where you just want that pain to go away. You feel like a burden on your loved ones and you let down a lot of people that don't ever deserve to be let down by just not being able to be there. No longer am I the person that used to be able to bend over backwards to help everyone. Some days I am lucky to get clothing on or just move from the bed to the couch. I am helpless some days and I wish that I could just snap out of it. I know what depression feels like.
That brings me to the main point of my post. While running an errand yesterday, I heard a new song for Pink! on the radio (Raise your Glass) and when I got home, I actually remembered to go to her website to see if she has a new album out. While out there, I saw her new video for a new song on her "Greatest Hits So Far" album. It is called "F**king Perfect". Now, some may not like the words but I think that Pink! always has a graceful way of delivering her message and is a true artist in her own right. Go to her website and watch the video with an open mind and ignore the "F" word if it bothers you. I think that it delivers an incredible message, not that slashing or suicide are ever the answer, but just that everyone needs to find their "voice" or an outlet for your emotions. I think that this is what vinyl is doing for me. Luckily with designing images, there is not a huge amount of typing and my "voice" can be expressed in my work. Some days I will work on happy images or quotes and some days, they can be more sad or mad....but they are all me! It is a way that I can express how I am feeling, still keep me feeling a bit productive, and hopefully touch someone else with my work. Now that makes me happy!
Until next time!
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