Saddened

I know that most of my posts recently have been of the crafts that I allow to fill my mind and mostly make me smile but today I have a personal post that makes me extremely sad.  It makes me sad because I am not a bad parent and I know that.  I have never left my son's side, never....while others have walked in and out of his life, important people, family people, people that shouldn't do that shit.  But I have been here, never leaving but not able to make a difference and it sucks. Once an important person leaves you, it causes damage, damage that might not be seen from the outside, but it is there and it rears it ugly head at the worst times.

A parent can give all of the heart-felt advice that they can but it is up to the child to take that advice and run with it.  You can't do it for them but you are forced to watch what happens when they don't take that advice, and you are left to deal with the damage left in the wake. You are forced to watch it like a slow motion car accident that you can do absolutely nothing to stop.

My son did something stupid, and when I say stupid, I mean stupid because that is a word that is rarely in my vocabulary.  Instead of coming clean immediately and admitting his stupid act to the people that mattered most, he tucked it into a small pocket in his gut where I know it was eating him alive.  I know that I have a tendency to run...run from my problems, run from my issues, get defensive and just run for my life.  My relationship with my wonderful husband has taught me not to run.  He had the patience of a saint and has been able to break down walls that no one else ever has and has allowed me to face my demons without the fear that he will leave me.  He is here, for better or for worse, richer or poorer and definitely in sickness and in health...he is here for me and me for him and I know that I don't need to run anywhere but into his arms.  But for a 16 year old that has had people constantly leaving, that is a hard lesson to teach.  His stupid action, tucked away, all from his fear of someone else leaving him caused yet another heart break.  And he is running still, hasn't wanted to go to school for the past two days and deal with face to face.  How do you explain that actions speak louder than words?  I know that he is sorry for his action and I hope that he has learned a valuable lesson from this, but the words "you can trust me" are nothing but words.  You have to show people that they can trust you though your actions and that takes time but wounds can be healed over time from actions, not by simple, plain words.

Until next time,
Mamalou